Not Sure Who Is Crying?

Lying down on her bed, she looks outside. The rain is pouring. It is an afternoon but seems like already is dusk. Lots of thundering and lightning tells that nature is very restless. She notices some changes in the flashing lights on the satellite tower. All the lights are not matching either. There are two towers, and each has three red color lights which shine in the dark. Something is different today because one light is silver, bright, and shinier compare to other lights on the same towers. This new light is little bit annoying She thinks that this light may trigger somebody’s migraine. What the hick technician was thinking when he mismatched those lights. She asks herself why these two towers even are installed here. First, she thought climbing on the tower and cover this flashing light with something red so it could give similar reflection. Then it came in her mind,” let somebody else do it”. She asks, “Do you remember bubby which towers I am talking about or Do you also forget about the towers too?”


The flashing of light continues to trigger her memory. She was so young when she had given birth to her son. Her beautiful mother-in-law had helped her to raise both kids. Once she was too young to be mom. However, she had become so powerful to do the roll of both mom and dad when the God had provided her justice. How good a mother she was. Not sure if she was a good person, a good daughter, or a good wife but she was a dame good mother. She slept in the car when her son had played football. She needed to go to either work or school after his game. So, she could not watch him playing but he made him aware that his mother is present here for him. She used to sleep only 3-4 hrs a day. She was a full- time student and a single mother. She also worked full time at the same time to give her children the same lifestyle as other kids do. During her lunch break, she used to run toward her home to feed her son because she knew he won’t eat without her. Sometimes she had forget to eat but many times she ate while she drove back to work. She used to wake up after 2 hrs of her sleep so she could pick up her daughter from the school. She did not want the little one had to walk home after school alone in the summer of CA. She did not want the neighbor to pick her up from the school because she wanted to be there for her daughter. Many times, she fought with the times and her boss, so she did not want to miss any of their school functions or PTA meetings. Everybody saluted her including her hubby bubby for working hard to be the best mom on the earth.


The silver flashing light asks her, “What happened now. Where is a loving and hardcore mother gone now?”. This silver shiny light doesn’t know her yet. The light did not know somebody had changed her priorities. Somebody had killed the feelings of love. She is not sure if her feelings are continued to die or she is so afraid. She is not sure if she is preparing herself for the future or it is due to the rejection of betrayal.


She looks at Babaji’ picture with tearful eyes. Her mind is quiet. Why she is not restless today? How nature and the human could be restless at the same time, so let nature cries today. However, she could not control her tears when she looks at her Babaji. Not sure who is pouring more: her tears or the rain. She asks her Babaji, “I am not sure what are you planning. I am not sure what is the desire of great almighty. I am not sure what is wrong or right. I know only one thing that you will lead me toward righteousness. I am not sure if you are preparing me about the future. Something is not right somewhere. Why my bubby comes in my dream every day? Are you or he trying to convey some message?”. He was in her dream again which was a mixture of future and past. She has stopped analyzing her dreams anymore. All she knows that he killed her soul, but he will kill her physically in the future because he won’t be able to see her in misery.


Why she gets agitated easily when she talks to her kids? Why she doesn’t show any interest in them? She looks into the mirror when she has asked the question to herself. She is surprised to see her face, “Is this my face?”. Where is the brightness of face and eyes gone? Where is the hardcore but loving mother is gone? Why she has lost interest in her leftover thieves? What her long-gone thieves had done to her that she has lost interest with her other two thieves? Of course, she can face herself in the mirror. She often used to say, “Look it into the mirror and interrogate your soul. You have not done anything wrong if you could look into your eyes without guilt”. Today was her turn to apply her own quote to herself.


She stands in front of the mirror. She scared when she looked at her face. However, she is not there to see her beauty. She is there to interrogate her soul. She continues looking at her eye through the mirror and then deep into her soul. All she says, “I have called you as my sis. I have respected and loved you as my sis. I had given a father to the daughters but why you have made two kids ‘orphan. Are you so blind in the greed and selfishness? Come and look through my eyes. Feel with my soul if your is dead. I have done my promise. Can you tell me what happened to your promise? Can you feel your selfishness and greed has taken the humanity to the doorstep of devils and demons? Don’t you feel destruction already have started”?


Almighty has a unique way to provide the justice. He won’t broadcast on media to tell how and why and in which form he is bringing the justice. She has stuck in the questions herself. She is not sure if he is lying now or he was lying before. However, she has learned how to cope with her diversion technique, “living in the imaginary world”. Yes, she successfully has passed her soul interrogation test. As she has written to him in her last letter, she has also written to her children. She has not chosen three people to pass her letter to them. She has kept her letter with her living will which they will receive after her death. In her letter, she tries to explain her both children, “why your loving mother has changed significantly? Why your mother has stopped caring about you? However, she also advises them whom to ask if they are not satisfied with her letter. She advises them to ask the specific person, “why you have killed our mother? Had she given the punishment of loving or trusting somebody or refusing to lie?”.


She does not feel motherhood inside of her. She has become just a machine. A loving mother has turned into a machine who still tells her both kids, “I am sorry guys. I am not a good mother anymore”. Her tears start to pour more heavily compared to the rain outside but her soul is crying more loudly. Not sure who is crying more: Her soul or eyes, or the nature.

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