Not sure why her world slowly starts shifting from a realistic to an imaginary world. Her belief in the real world has been shattered in multi-billion pieces. she thinks that it would take many more births to collect those pieces of a realistic world. The valuable pieces such as faith, trust, love, and compassion are gone away from her life. Her soul has wounded permanently. Her loved ones have given her non-healed wounds. She could save only a few particles of humanity.
She always used to hear that reality is hard to accept. The truth is hard to digest. Now she had lived that life. Lies and sins had shattered her world of reality. It was so painful nightmares of her life. It was a brutal murder of her soul. She did pay the price of his sins not hers. Often she tells him now,” this was the reason I came in your life”. Both the pain and love are permanent and surreal. Neither her pain will resolve nor her love for him will be lessened. She did her best.
She feels less restless and agitated since her world have started to shift toward the imaginary things. She talks to her both imaginary friends, Banny boy, Inayat boy, and Almighty. She plays with them. She talks to them. Her needs are very limited. She is happy when she does not interact with others. She feels some agitation when she talks to anybody on the phone, which is something new. Possible the late effects of her emotional injury. Why does her world continue to revolve? The nightmares and tears also have become a permanent part of her life. She is stuck in the process of grieving.
She is okay when she talks at work. She loves listening to the people at work because her interaction is only for 5-10 minutes with them. She is not an antisocial person but she afraid of talking to others now. Not sure if her world has ended or she is afraid to hurt herself or others. She is completely stopped reading news about the Valley and her native country. She even don’t listen to music anymore. She has decided never keeping her foot on the land which she has loved once. She ran a lot to find him and then saving him.
She wanted to tell him some truth which he refused to listen. She will leave the earth without telling him the reality. He will leave this world one day without knowing the reality. She had done her job by writing the last letter which she doesn’t have a hope that he would ever receive it. Her desire, hopes and happiness are gone so why she need to worry anymore. She often had called people to know his well-being. However, those people may get tired answering the same questions or none of their business or almighty knows what. She just thinks, “good, everyone thinks I am some nut case or crazy or a bad woman. They are actually helping me to wash my sins”.
She stopped asking people how her bubby is. She has made a promise to herself that she does not have to talk with anybody at all about him or her pains because most of time people just ignored her. She does not blame anybody. She doesn’t feel alone. she spends her day watching TV or talking to her imaginary friends and taking care of her patients. She like sharing on the blog because nobody judges her. She feels different. He continues to come in her dream every day since past 4-5 days. She continues asking him in the dream,” why”. She continues asking her so-called sis,” why”. But in reality, she does not care anymore.
Her nightmares come often but she has stopped analyzing the bad dreams because it makes her only agitated. She diverts her attention by leaning into her imaginary world. She still sees him walking around her. She still could feel his presence. She can’t do anything. Love, emotions, and feelings have become a loser in front of sins and lies. Humanity has lost from selfishness.
Why someone else suffers because of her karma. She does not have the right to hurt others because of her agitation. Not everyone is a bad person, there is a lot of people who care about her. Does she care about this anymore? Her killers are happy so why others have to pay for their sins. She is not sure if her life has ended or just shifted toward imaginary world.
She doesn’t have any hope for justice. She does not hope that her loving man’s soul will ever wake up because he is a coward person. He has forgotten the woman who loves him so much. However, the feelings, emotions, and love don’t have any value so why someone would suffer for her anymore. She cries every day but tears don’t have any values. Her imaginary world keeps her happy. Sometimes she just imagines that he is standing outside. She goes outside to open the door. She calls Banny and Ina boy,” come down. See who came in”. She does everything as he really came in. It just makes her happy. She talks to him a lot. Finally, she tells him,” Go home bubby now. I am happy. I am not alone. I have my imaginary friends, inayat and Banny boy, and of course almighty”. Then a strange fear comes in her mind. The fear that the Almighty will come to give her justice if she forgives him. She will rather suffer than getting justice from God. She has expected justice from her loving man. She has expected that he would treat her equally. Nobody even treats an animal as they had treated her. She finally got a family but it was too late for her so has given up.
People say the world is so small when they suddenly meet somebody unexpectedly. Would you call a big world when it expectedly takes your loved ones away from you? Her routine continues to change as she progressively evolving into her new world. She knows very well the difference between realistic and imaginary world.
She is happy in this new world. Nobody will lie anymore. Nobody will get hurt. She thinks, “I am the part of the human world, but this world really not belong to me. I don’t want to hurt anymore. My soul continues to brutally murder every minute. My mind and heart continue expecting that I will meet him one day, which is not actually true. I don’t say that I am a great person without any mistakes. I could be a worse person on this earth, but I deserve a normal life and a break from pain. I don’t want my loved one hurt me anymore”.