What if not sadness

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Today is a Federal holiday for American so everybody has dinner or lunch with their families. The charge nurse has attempted to the Barbecue in the ambulance way. She could not even eat burger because being busy to handle 26 years old man who came to the emergency on “Code Blue” with cardiac arrest. Of course, the man has saved and got intubated, and she has shifted him to the ICU before she left the department around 1800.

She is neither excited nor sad. She has opened her main door quietly. The kids are with their family. She goes directly in her bedroom, and sit under the picture of Babaji. It is the same place where she had sat with him many times. Now, she sees his Allah sitting by her Babaji. She asks from them, “I don’t know what your guys are waiting for. I am ready to join Inna and Banny boy. I have lost the desire to live. Help me Almighty”.

Suddenly she feels something pulling out of her chest. She sits on the floor and starts to ask many questions from God. She repeatedly expresses her only one desire, call me God, “I can’t take this pain. It hurt a lot. I mean it. Nobody could understand my pain but at least you can. so please call me back”.

The pain gets so heavy and she cries loudly. She feels to grab her heart out of the chest. The pain is unbearable but she doesn’t have many choices or options. So, she cries, then hugs herself lying down the floor. Don’t know when she has slept on the floor. It has already turned dark outside when she suddenly awakens from the sleep. She starts writing to her family, “I miss him a lot. It hurt a lot but I cannot do anything. They don’t need me anymore. I should go back to the almighty. Please mail my letter to my Bubby when I am gone. Don’t give him while I am alive”.
Her depression is well controlled. Her anxiety is well controlled. Her insomnia has improved. But nightmares still wake her up from the sleep. She still could feel his presence around her. She could feel him. She could see him exactly how he looks. Lately, she has stopped fighting with her karma. However, sometimes suddenly a sharp ache come out her heart. She feels just like a fish who is thrown out of the water. She feels ripping her heart out. All she does remember only Almighty which helps her to control her pain. The known fear always comes in her mind, and she asks Almighty, “Please forgive him for giving me a pain. But I won’t forgive him”
she is afraid it will still hurt her if almighty decides to punish her bubby

One thought on “What if not sadness

  1. Yes, you are sad, but, deep down you know how precious life and hope is. That is why you helped save that 26 year old man. You chose life for him. Choose it for yourself, too!! Abundant life, not just existing. Blessings, Munna/Sara!

    Liked by 1 person

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