I Am Confused As Usual

People mostly write what they sense, think, and see, etc. I thought writing to teach something. Well, Does my audiences or the readers would know what I am trying to teach? Am I ready to teach complicated medical terms on the blog? Who wants to know what is the pathophysiology of heart failure? What is TPA? What are the current guidelines of Medicare Medicaid? What is MIP? What is the Golden Hour? What is the new govt policy for pay per performance in the healthcare field? Why need to do this first and why we should not do that? 

I went to renew my PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) certificate yesterday, and I slept well in the class. Of course, I passed the class with a 100% score because that is my job which I do every day. I deal with students and residents every day. Well, come home and start writing on the topic what I just did for the last 12 hours. I doubt anybody wants to write about their jobs especially when we are bind with many medico-legal ethics and laws. Am I writing my feelings or Am teaching to students of UIC or NIU or any healthcare educational organization? No, I don’t want to live 24 hours at my job so I disregard the ideas of writing on the healthcare. 

I have made a promise to my friend that I won’t write about my personal feelings either. However, I had lost touch with my friends for the past two days. So, there was a turmoil of feelings inside of me which I could not share with anybody. I was afraid end up going to my weak side again. I spent a past couple of hours thinking should I break my promise or Kindly ask their permission to write again. Of course, I have written a letter to my so-called soul husband but it has been in also in turmoil because I do not know where to post or email. So, I could not write on that topic too.

I don’t have any hobbies. I am a workaholic and housebound woman. My life and thoughts were and are circled around only one person which my friends won’t not allowed me to write about it. Thanks, Friends. Are you mine or his friends? What I see outside of my window are green lush trees which hinder the further view. Therefore, writing on the ideas of what I see, just have dropped right there.   

I wonder how my life is so simple and short and of course boring. Sometimes, I think I am a very lucky woman on the earth who has nothing to lose. I am not worried about anything anymore. Am I a fearless woman? No, I am not. I still live in the fear. Why fear in my mind now. I have lost everything so what else I will lose now. That is called atypical mind which never could be free.  

How about my own thoughts which are still there? How about those unanswered many questions which live both insides of my brain and mind? Does all my senses and thoughts are around only one person? What does it convey a message to myself and others? Does it convey soul connections are real? Or Does it convey that I have blocked my mind and brain from the rest of the world? Why I can’t think like others? Why I cannot wrap it up and move forward? Am I refusing to be the part of this materialistic world?  

Therefore, I am confused about what to write. 

3 thoughts on “I Am Confused As Usual

  1. I had a college lecturer, she always reminded us that “confusion is good” it makes us search for answers, to find new understanding. Set yourself some short-term goals, whatever makes you feel childlike, worry free and happy because life is too short to waste! Then share your new experience…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey, thanks for visiting and reading my post. I greatly appreciate it. We all experience, having days or moments which are unclear. Each of us think and process information differently.
    It makes each of us have our own unique thoughts and dreams. So comparing ourselves to someone else, is not necessary.
    Just as commonality unites, our differences diversifies. Think about the body, if every part of the body was a hand. How then would we see, walk, talk or even breath. Each body part serves a purpose. Each part is necessary, each does something different, but all are needful. Working Together each part makes up a unique designed body.
    Hope this makes sense, as I rambled enough. 😊🌸


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