I was initially diagnosed with mild depression while I was 17 years old. I often felt sad. Everyone had blamed my migration from the native country. Slowly it was progressed to bilateral feet pain and insomnia. This time was blamed my stressful job. I never used to talk with anybody so nobody knew the hidden symptoms. Day by day I started to stay quieter. I could not cry when I was torched emotionally and physically, so nobody could figure it out.
Without alarming anybody including myself, my depression was getting worse. I refused to talk about it because there was nobody to listen. Internally I was suffering but I hid it behind my smile. I could not cry when the father of my kids died. I did not have any reaction. After that, I got too busy with kids, job, and study. I had zero social support and family. I refused to talk with the counselor because he was a stranger. My sleeping time slowly had decreased to two hrs. I was getting tired easily and sometimes could feel paresthesia in my brain and all extremities. MRI of brain and EEG was done, and all results were negative Then my doctor decided to prescribed an antidepressant and counseling. I refused for counseling. I am not good with chemicals so it took a while to decide the right medicine to cure my symptoms. finally, the medium dose of Venlafaxine 150 mg finally worked to control my symptoms.
Somewhere I often felt sad. Something was pulling out of me but I could not figure out why and what. I could feel something grabbing me toward the Valley. Then he came into my life. It was the time when I talked and cried the first time after a long time. I talked Day and night with him. “He had made a promise with me that he won’t ever leave me alone again. There will be no more tears in my eyes”. My life was surrounded by him only. Depression and nightmares were gone. I was the happiest person. My fatigue, feet pain, and insomnia were gone too. A one person was meant everything to me. He was always there when I needed him. We lived in the different parts of the words but our soul always lived together. We did live in each other’s soul.
Then my most trusted person who had made all those fake promises abandoned me. This was the time when the depression has returned as a full balloon process. In the beginning, I never shared with anybody because I thought it would be the insult of my love. The love mostly I thought was a soul love. It had started to impact on my personal, professional and social life. I had made myself a prisoner in my home and had refused to see my kids. I even refused to open the window’s curtain. Depression had controlled each aspect of my life. Panic attack was started to come often without any warning. I had become impulsive.
I had all symptoms of depression: worthless, hopeless, guilty, and loss of appetite, lack of interest. In another word, I had each symptom of depression. I was diagnosed with severe and acute major depressive disorder.
I had committed suicide multiple times by taking an overdose of multiple medications. I used to drink wine on special occasions only but my so-called soul husband did not like it so I stopped for him. Then I started to drink alcohol heavily. I had cut myself with the surgical blade many times. Depression had full control over my brain. I felt a strange fog in my brain. I cried loudly every single minute. It was worse than hell. I had a complete loss of concentration. My memory was almost gone. I drove recklessly and aimlessly. I had 4 car accidents in a few months. Even my car insurance company had denied providing insurance to all my vehicles. I did adopt a risky behavior. I drove multiple times in the area where people get killed in the daylight. I did not know when my mug shot/ gangster patient had driven me back to my home. He also left a note on my car,” I paid you back for once saving my life”. I was detained for 72 hrs in my own ED. I was taken involuntarily to the hospital by my boss when everything was failed. Stress and depression had controlled my brain so badly that I often forgot where I needed to go.
Until now, I was on six different medications to control my mood, depression, and anxiety. I was on two different sleeping pills which did not help me either. Stress, depression, alcohol, and psychological trauma had created many other symptoms and injuries which was a collateral damage. I had both audio and visual hallucinations. I ran multiple times downstairs while under the influence of medications so I can open the door for him. I used to see him walking in the home, I used to hear his sound loudly and clearly, ” wake up Munna, I am here”. Many people virtually interacted with me. Many people came and gone in my life which doesn’t make any sense to me why they came and why they are gone. Some treated me good while others treated me bad. I was used and abused. I was humiliated. Some did care and shown some affection and love. However, my dearest and the nearest man had told me,” stop cry. Help yourself and then I will think about what I need to do”. He was face to face with me when he said those words. He had seen my devastating state. He was brilliant enough to know my situation. How do I remember all this stuff? I had written everything what people had told me and what I had done. I had written when I slept or cried, or in crisis or during a panic attack.
Naturally, Human go home when they are sick or they are in trouble, or they need shelter or support. I went to my home too. I started with him first and then everywhere else. I was told return to my own people. His power, fear of people, injustice, and corruption of the Indian system had shut all my doors. Only two people had stuck with me during my acute phase of depression: my god brother and an old wise man. Both have directed me toward the positive behavior. The wise old man was very strict and a little radicalized but I had learned many things from him. I don’t know why they came in my life and where are they now. I call them, “God had sent angles”. What they think about me now.
The man who was my love and had made a promise to me that he will stay with me in my good and bad was gone and had left me for the strangers. I had fallen multiple times. One of the falls had caused significant damage to my posterior scalp. Traumatic injury has damaged my superficial nerve in the skin of the scalp. I don’t feel more than half of my scalp now. My spine also had some cracks and subluxation. I never felt a physical pain because it was actually helping me to control my psychological pain. I even did not want to share the situation with my kids. My son found out the entire situation by reading my blogs but not directly from me. Actually, he was searching for my soul husband so he could ask him why supermom acting crazy, instead, he found my blog. Both children had challenged me either get help or they will put me in the psych facility to keep me alive. I still remember when my son said, “at least we will have mom alive somewhere”. However, both of them never asked and never raised any questions. I was confused but I also made other people confused. I did have both homicidal and suicidal thoughts.
Now, it was my turn to control depression. I had read a quote which was written by Mahir Sen who had crossed the English Channel with his one amputated leg, have helped me,” nothing is impossible to the youths”. This quote had helped me to succeed in the past. Remembering my struggles in the past has made me fight again. Fighting with others is very easy but it always becomes a battlefield when you have to fight with your own demon who lives inside of your mind and brain. I have started to write, and I started to share with others. Sharing has helped me. It helped me to control my feelings, reduce anxiety, and stress. It has controlled my impulsive behavior. I still cry when suddenly come in my mind. But I have control on myself now. Counseling, meditation, and exercise have helped me a lot. I have fought myself again.
Today I am on very low doses of Venlafaxine and other five medications are already discontinued. Alcohol is not in my dictionary anymore. Social life has changed back to my basic. The old friends have found me through the blog and Twitter. They have shown the lighter and funny side of me. I have won the battle again. I am not orphan because I have found my family in Valley. I don’t feel sad. No feeling of killing myself or others. The kids already said,” welcome back mom” the day I have asked why the dirty dishes in the sink? How many credits are you taking this semester? Why you get B instead of A? Both kids have also returned home.
Still, he wakes me up from my sleep but I express myself right away. He still pulls me toward the valley. He still lives inside of my brain and heart. No more hiding from others is my rule now. I can’t replace which is already had permanently damaged due to my mistake of hiding and refused to get help. But I can make a difference in others’ lives. I am back to the same working environment, but I pay special attention to mental health patients. I have full empathy for them. Even they are not my patients but I still like talk to them. Once I was a role model for the young generation being a fighter and adopting the philosophy of ‘nothing is impossible’. “You can do it if I can do it”. Today I am a survivor, trooper, fighter, rebellion, and of course the winner. But I am not a saint as one of the friends told me.
Life is just a slippery slope. We don’t know when it will put you down. I have a firm belief changing my own daughter’s behavior toward love. My situation has taken a toll on her innocent mind. She just went for her first prom date. I and my son were teasing her. It has not surprised me when she said,” which love and feeling you guys are talking about. I don’t want the same life as my mom did have it”. Both know how much mother has trusted and loved him. How many years the mother has waited for him?
Yes, the depression hurt. It impacts a human’s life. Depression is similar to the stroke and heart attack which need to be treated right away. Otherwise it could ended as a fatal causality. It is not a social stigma. The mind is also part of our body. why we could talk about being diabetes and hypertensive but feel hesitated to talk about depression or other mental health problems. It could be just hormone imbalance. It is not a shame. Don’t delay to seek treatment. Help your depressed friend or family member. Don’t leave them to heal themselves or on the mercy of God. God lives inside of us. I won’t hesitate or feel ashamed of what people would think about my love life or my depression. I openly talk about it and I will continue to talk through my words after my death. It has become a story now but I have just passed the hell zone of my life. The path was dangerous and scary. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry when I remember my journey of depression. 90% is cured and 10% is well controlled.