The Fear & Pain

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Sara Says

God has sent him in my life to destroy me. Look at him, he lives a normal life as nothing happen. Nobody has the courage to ask him because that is “none of my business” type of thing. The fire has not to touch anybody else except Sara. Who would help Sara out of 8 billion population? Possible nobody. The wise man said, “you have Ahmed and kids”. Sara has laughed, “Ahmed is deaf, blind, and mute. His inner soul is dead, and he is a prisoner with or without his choice. I don’t share my life with the kids. I have to separate them from my life due to Ahmed. I have lost my two thieves already and I don’t have the courage to lose the other two.
Yes, I live in fear and pain which is both not resolvable. I am afraid that people will hurt me and will make me cry. I feel more comfortable living in this isolated life. I write to only the wise or boring person because he won’t respond me back. There will be only a harsh or heart aching statement if he does respond. So, I feel comfortable communicating with him because he won’t harm me. The wise man hates me, or he doesn’t like me at all. However, his harsh word sometimes teaches me many things. The wise man is full of ethical and moral value, so this is another reason I write to him. Even, I am not agreed with him when it comes to religion and humanity.
I write to share on the blog because It reduces my anxiety level. I need to ventilate my feelings and emotions. I never felt like to write or share when Ahmed was in my life. We used to talk hours and hours, so I never felt like talking to anybody else. I never felt alone while he was in my life. Even he was not physically present with me, but I have always felt he is with me. Ahmed is my emotional satisfaction. So, I don’t surprise why I have shattered without him.
The Wise man said, “I am an untrustworthy and not a loyal woman for others”. He is right I could not be loyal to anybody because my soul is attached to Ahmed. I have refused to talk to many people. I just want t say sorry because I am just confused and don’t want to create more issues in others’ lives.
I have learned how to live in this emotional pain. In the beginning, I did try 5-6 times to end my pain. I did adopt risky behavior for a while. I was never exposed to the outside world. As I said, I was always overprotected by my parents and then Ahmed. This time, I went alone and lost completely, and become more confused which added to make my condition worse. I could not figure out who is friend or foe. I was hoping to get help from them who wanted to see me dead. I still surprise why people act so sweet and nice but inside they are very bad people. Their soul is so selfish. They won’t mind killing somebody else for their own greed. They will ask for the sacrifice from you, but they don’t like to sacrifice.
The outside world is so cruel. I have met many people. I get many secrets things which none of my business is to expose them. Injustice, corruption, and politics in law enforcement is so worse which I cannot believe it.
Ahmed knows it very well, but he has not done anything. I don’t blame anybody else except Ahmed. I have forgiven him a meanwhile. I am not sure when my brain will command to my heart that Ahmed deserve punishment.
Earlier one of my friends told me, “Ahmed is performing Halal process on you”. I am not sure how long his halal process would be continuing. Yes, a friend was right.
My mind is worse than a young child now. The child’s brain continues to grow so is his or her cognitive and emotions. However, mine is worsening from day to day. The child has hope and I am hopeless. The child has to build his life and mine is already destroyed.
People told me you have to live for your children which make me think, well I was born to raise two kids and live in a pain”. Ahmed won’t react to this statement now. Yes, he used to say, “I will break your head if you said one more time”. I am afraid that Ahmed will end up paying the price of my tears one day.
If love is divine in your thoughts Di, then why my world shattered so badly. I am confused with many questions, why, what and who, and how. I try to look for those answers but end up having different answers each time. Now you know wise man why I don’t have permanence.

7 thoughts on “The Fear & Pain

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