Many accidents happen in our life, which we forget easily, or we do not want to remember due to bad memories. I had defeated the death many times which had done some temporary physical injuries. The physical injuries heal quicker than emotional injuries. I admit not recalling certain years of my life because I am afraid to recall those memories. It does not mean I forget those memories, but I am not brave enough to recall them. They are somewhere in my subconscious mind which only come out when I am in sleep, also known as nightmares. Sometimes, a similar incident brings our memory back. Today my brother and his family have survived from a car accident. Talking to him, I suddenly remember my fatal car accident which was happened on Sept 21, 2014, around1830 PM. I was on my way to work when it happened. As my daily routine, I stopped at the coffee shop when I noticed my debit card was stuck with the iPhone. After making, the payment, I kept my phone on my side of the door instead of keeping back into my purse. I was driving at least 90mph/hrs. I saw a light blue car coming from an opposite direction but was on my lane though. First, I thought somebody just having fun on an empty road. As I saw the car still was in my lane, so I started to pull my car toward the side of the road. Both sides of the roads were full of the trees and bushes followed by a ditch. I knew right away what I was going to face soon. I did not become panic. The oncoming vehicle was so close to me when I turned my car toward the tree line. I was escaped from a front to the front collision, but I got T-boned on my side of the door. The impact was so high which pushed the car door totally inside which had damaged my left arm. My arm was bleeding and could see the deformity, and bones protruding through my elbow, and I was unable to pick my arm up. I lost control of my vehicle due to severely injured arm and high impact from the external force. I recall my car going toward the ditch after hitting the trees after trees. Suddenly It came from nowhere in mind when I looked at my passenger seat and said, “Please God save me. Save me for my young children. I don’t want them to be orphans. Please God save me for my children”. I really don’t know how many times I had said those words and whom I was saying. I felt somebody was sitting at the front passenger seat whom I was talking too. It was a couple of seconds or a minute which I am not sure before my car finally stopped into the ditch away from the road where nobody could see my car. I was not panicked but I felt somebody sitting next to me in snow-white clothes and I kept requesting him to save my life for my kids. It was God’s desire for me to live longer that day. I could not move it all. I was stuck and who knows where my handbag was. I could not press SOS because of being stuck. My left arm was still hanging with my body, but I could not pick it up even I tried hard. My arm was stuck somewhere in the car door. But my phone was still there in the car door which did not move an inch. With my right hand, I picked my phone and called 911 service. I had only enough time to press 911 before I lost my consciousness but still looking at my right passenger seat. I can hear some faint voices, but nothing was cleared. I found surrounding myself with the group of firefighters, paramedics, and the police. I could hear them but was unable to open my eyes. I could hear somebody saying, “dispatch the bird, she is one of us”. I opened my eyes. The faces looked familiar, but I could not recognize them. They were saying something, but It was not making any sense to me. One of them was able to manage inside of my car through the moon roof, so he covered my head with a soundproof helmet while he stood behind me holding my neck. He kept instructed me to keep my neck straight, but I was still looking at the right side of the passenger seat. The firefighters had to cut the car to extricate me which took 30 minutes. Each minute starts to count to save the Golden Hour. I had become fully alert by then. I could see the fear on their faces. The fear of losing someone your own once I felt when I lost my colleague. I was in pain but not panicked. I had not lost my sense of humor and my smile. I started to encourage and appreciate them for helping me. Even I started to make fun of them when I saw our helicopter there. I told them, “Hey guys, I won’t die with the trauma injuries, but I will die with the heart attack when I would receive the bill for helicopter service”. You can do your job better when you don’t who is the person and the person don’t know what you are doing. However, in my scenario, it was totally different. All the rescue crews knew me, and I knew them very well. They were scared, afraid, and overwhelmed with the emotions. They continued doing their jobs while I was trying to ease them with my sense of humor. I was continuing to laugh which I am not sure if due to traumatic injury or I was trying to help my co-workers. they were known well about me being claustrophobic and sensitive to the narcotic. they were able to shut my mouth by giving fentanyl 25 mcg which all of them admitted later. I did not know when I was in the helicopter and when I arrived at the top of the roof of my own trauma level-1 hospital. Of course, the Trauma team was ready to receive me on the roof which was a little unusual. I woke up when our trauma surgeon tapped on my shoulder. I found myself surrounded by my entire team. Of course, I was on the other side of the stretcher. I saw tears in their eyes, and fear on their faces but they were doing their job perfectly. Three teams were ready to do their job at the same time: Neurosurgeon, orthopedist, trauma general surgeon, ED physician, an anesthesiologist, nursing staff, allied staff, and of course chaplain. The first thing that we do cut the clothes of the trauma patient. I started to yell and threat to kill each and everybody if they cut my clothes in the presence of everybody. Full privacy was provided to me. It was a battle for them. I was continuing to laugh and make fun. Everybody thought I were doing this possible traumatic injury or due to Fentanyl effects. However, the hospital chaplain made through the crowd and awarded me “trooper”. He knew I were just trying to keep everybody calm and quiet. I am not sure how many times I was in and out. The chaplain asked me if he could call my family. ED physician whom I supposed to relieve from his duty had scarified extra hours to cover my shift, but I also continued making fun of him. I was kept saying okay endorse all your patients so you can go home on time. My co-workers are pretty good to use F word couple times in one sentence. They knew it I hate to use those words. I had seen many injured or sick patients who cursed a lot and use F words a lot especially when they are in pain. My staff told me later that I had not spoken a single bad word while I was in a lot of pain and in misery. I had kept my sense of humor to ease my pain. They kept pushing the meds and I am not sure how many tests were done. All the airbag was deployed which had protected my life. There was no airbag deployed on the right side of passenger seat even that side of the car also had hit many trees. There were no scratch marks on right side of the front bumper and the right side of front door. I kept asking who was sitting in the passenger side and how that person is doing. I was taken to the OR immediately. I was bleeding inside of abdomen; CT head and neck was normal except soft scalp tissues in the left side of my brain. My left side of paraspinal process @ the level of T5, L5-L3 was cracked. The radiologist had given up counting after 17 fractures site on my left arm. My bilateral knees were broken which was strike with the dashboard. My right leg was a totally dark bluish color which due to rupture of the femoral vein. My left shin left ankle, and foot did have a small hairline fracture. The chaplain asked my permission to call my family but he did not know both my children were so young to take the news. They were sleeping soundly and might be dreaming mother is working hard without knowing that the mother was continued to defeat the death. My children had lost their biological father when my young kid was only 1 year old. So, I did not want to scare them. My medical director arrived, and I told him what to do and when to do. My loved man was somewhere across the ocean in my native country doing his job. I hid my accident two days from my kids by making an excuse that plans to stay in the hospital due to a lack of proper staffing. They were so angry at me when they knew the reality. Anyway, the specialty team worked together to stop my internal bleeding and putting my arm in place. After two days, I requested to release me. The entire team was not very happy but they also knew they won’t win the stubborn woman. Arms were double cast and final surgery was rescheduled after 5 days. The abdomen was secured with the binder which helps for the fractured vertebrae too. However, the orthopedist told me to use common sense while walking to avoid the stress on lower extremities fractures. I was not able to use the crutches due to my significant injury to the left arm. On the 5th day, My arm was surgically fixed and of course, had to put multiple plates and screws to keep it together. I was offered home health assistance by my insurance company but I refused. I was physically injured but not mentally. I was not ready to become disabled. Both my kids helped me which I did not like it but I allowed them so they could feel is the part of me. The physical therapy and occupational therapy were started immediately. No doubt, I was on the driver seat within 2 weeks. The police officer came to visit me at home. She was the first responder. She told me Her first reaction that I was dead. I looked gray and was unconscious. She used her brain and took prompt action to cut the wires before the car got caught into the fire. She visited many times at my home. I found out that the offended car driver was arrested one mile away from the scene site. He was under the influence of a couple of drugs and was also intoxicated with the alcohol. He was charged with second-degree murder attempt because he did not stop to help. Accident happens what never leave the premise and try to do best as a good Smartian which he was failed. It was not my case so I could forgive him. It was a case of him vs the State. After two weeks, I was ready to go back on work I called my boss and told her that I am ready mentally but not physically. Everybody started to call me trooper after this incident. The combined medical bill was $ 150000. The helicopter bill was $ 21000 for 10 minutes flight time which was excused due to professional courtesy. All bill was medical paid by the car insurance company. My $ 70000 SUV was totaled so it had become a decoration piece in the junkyard. I don’t know how much I lost the work wages which was also covered under short term work disability. So, I was not responsible for the financial part. I was brave and full of confidence. I took only one pain pill after all those injuries. Everything went away. However, I have forgotten my physical injuries. My mind was strong, and I was full of confidence. I was determined and of course, I was a fighter. The recent psychologically trauma has left a great impression on my brain, which has negatively impacted my life. What who was on sitting on the front passenger seat? This is still a mystery. I told my co-workers. Somebody told me it was a vision while others told me I was in shock. I am not in shock but I still recall somebody dressed in snow-white clothes, was sitting on the seat calmly while I was praying. I am not in shock now but why I still feel he was there to just protect me. Who was on the right side of the passenger? This mystery would never solve.
Once, I have quiet and social media-free life but my loved one has given me a strange gift that I don't have any other option left except writing my feelings on this blog site. The purpose of writing is mainly expressing myself not to humiliate or insult anybody. I have learned a lot during my journey from East to West side of the world. I want to share my life experiences, the reality of life and dreams with everyone. I think we should share with each other so we could learn more. This life is not that easy as we think. A smiling face does not represent the happiness of your heart or soul.
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