I Am Not A Crazy (Mein Pagal Nai Huin)


  Image from My-RedWeb


Somebody said right that” Don’t cry or tell your problem to your family or friends every day. Those are your problems, so should learn how to deal with it. Don’t make somebody annoyed & bored repeating your same story every day. Your tears are only yours to keep them only inside of your eyes. Don’t let your tears come out of your eyes. Don’t let them drop on your cheeks. People will get tired of your negative attitude”. Somebody did say those words very correctly. Those are very powerful words which could make history. However, we forget those words when hardship come on us. Not many choices or options left during our hardship, so we don’t realize the power of those words. The person doesn’t know exactly what he or she does because their hardship has made them so helpless.  Being helpless lead us to make many other mistakes. Can we blame somebody else? No, we should not blame somebody else because that is not anybody’s else fault. This is your own fault or the person who has made you helpless is responsible for this. Then why are you making other people annoying?

Suddenly this advice came in Sara’s mind when she has sat in the parking lot of the temple.  Her mother had given this advice a long time ago, but she has never paid attention to this reality until now. Sara is in the middle of her hardship. She is still grieving. She might be never come out of her grieving process. Her tears will never be dry. So, she should be cautious to save whatever has left in her life. After a while, your tragedy becomes a story for others. Sometimes it could become fun for others. Sara should blame Ahmed because he left her in this situation knowingly. She never goes inside the mosque or church or temple since Ahmed has left her world. She often goes but she never steps inside the building. She sits outside and asks God, “why you allow him to do wrong with me. Why you are doing injustice with me? What I did wrong in my life”. As usual, God has not answered her questions, so she gets up and start walking toward her house. She makes the promise to herself that she would never cry and never talk with somebody. She makes herself promise that she would never beg for help anymore. However, the next morning she breaks her promise. Both God and Sara know how much she has become helpless.

She looks at the temple with the empty eyes and heart before she starts walking toward her home. After taking a few steps, Sara suddenly starts to cry loudly and start screaming, “Mein Pagal Nai Huin God. I just love him, and I miss him. Why you brought him in my life if you were plan taking him away”. Sara screams loudly,” why tell me please God. I need you. I am not crazy”. Both Sara and God know that she will cry for a while, then she will clean her own tears and will start walking toward her home. She will wash her face and then she will cry again until she sleeps. This is Sara’s every other day routine. Nobody pays attention to her because she doesn’t have somebody who comes forward to clean her tears. Sara wishes maybe her father would come through the field to hug her daughter and will clean her tears. Sometimes she looks straight at the street and she finds her mother standing in the middle of the road to wipe her tears and comb her hair. Sometimes she looks at the sky as her brother would jump to tease her and make her laugh. Often, she looks around for childhood’s imaginary friends but there is nobody. Sometimes she sees her bubby yelling at her why she still hungry. Suddenly she comes to the real world where is nobody’s anybody. She finds herself standing in the middle of the four-way stop of the country road, but she knows where she needs to go. She tells herself, “Sara what are you thinking. This is a dark era. Why you keeping the false hope? Why you hope something which would never happen?”  She smiles when wiped her own tears. It happens often so people who look at her and they do not mind it.

Sara once who was known as strong & brave, has adopted new behavior and personality since Ahmed is gone. People who surround her,  know very well what she needs but they are helpless because they cannot reach Ahmed where he lives now. Some cannot reach to him but some refuse to reach Ahmed, so either way, Sara stands alone.  Many times, she asks herself, “Am I really crazy. Am I dreaming? Is my Ahmed really gone?” She asks many questions to herself but thanks God so far, she has no response to herself. People give her pieces of advice which she listens respectfully, but she knows herself better. Once she was a genius, but now people have a question mark on her credibility and reliability. Her brother across the road from her, always give the advice to be religious. Somebody advises her to attend the temple, and some said go to the mosque while others said to go to the church. She could not tell his younger brother that she could not go to the mosque because she was on her way to the mosque with Ahmed, but she was stopped before she could reach there. How she could take a step without him. She could not tell her brother, “I took one step without her that is why your sister in this condition”. Yes, her bother is not very happy with her, which is not his fault either because she has made him upset and confused too. Once Sara had called somebody her sister who made a promise with her, but her sister did not only break the promise but also pushed Sara toward the hell.

Of course, many intelligent or genius are crazy like her that is why Sara always says, “I am not crazy”. However, I am not sure if Sara is crazy or not because she knows the reality but her love and feeling for Ahmed make her act like this. However, she is strong as hell because she is fighting alone with other billion and herself. She fights alone with corruption and injustice. She fights alone with her mistrust, betrayal, and unfaithful love. She could be crazy if we have lost humanity and we don’t believe in true love or feelings because she believes in her love.

To be continued……………………………………………

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