After reading Coach Muller’s article, ” Why Would God Really Wants Me?”, make me thinks what the reason I am still alive. After the betrayal of my loved one, I feel the same way that why I am still on this earth. I am not sure why I am still alive. I don’t have the desire to live. I have lost my interest to live. I do not have faith and my trust is shattered. Once I was a strong woman who was full of confidence and hopes. I did have hope and few dreams like any ordinary person on this earth. I had won the race after I had fought with every obstacle which came in my way. However, I never trusted or loved anybody. I did have my own little world without any dramas. I already had ended the dramas of my life many decades ago. I already had seen all the color of life by the age of 27. I had already completed my journey from a little innocent girl to a mature woman, a victim to the survivor, a paramedic to the doctor, a wife to widow, and of course a mother of two beautiful kids. I had fought my battle alone with everyone end ended up being a survivor and winner. I was succeeded in my war due to my confidence and pride. I was full of attitude. A rebellion used to live inside of me. The rebellion has always made me do something which had given me the courage and satisfaction. My identification was, “A good looking Indian woman with a beautiful smile who has nose pin, and one leg of her cargo pant would be stuck somewhere in the middle of her calf”. My attitude was my personality which people used to love it. I used to think that those were not my good qualities. It came into my acknowledgment the importance of those qualities after I had lost them. Everyone loved my rebellion behavior. Those were the main characteristics of my personality. I used to stay away from social dramas, work, and family politics. The life was slow but steady without any dramas. I did stay away from my relatives and family. I was friendly with everyone but had never made an any best or special friend. I never talked to my relatives or friends, or family member unnecessarily, so talking to the stranger was out of the question. I had never asked anything from my parents, so asking from the strangers was not in my dictionary. I was not either happy or sad. I did enjoy my own company.
Suddenly a curse or my demon who lived inside of me knocked at the door of my life. The curse had entered my life without my permission. The curse was ” falling in love” with someone. I had waited for someone special in my dreams for a long time. In my dream, I used to meet my loving man after climbing the mountains, swimming the ocean, and walking on the fire. Something strange was used to pull me toward my unknown destination. I used to feel some strange things or often became restless. Yes, I fell in love. My dream had come true. My restless and nightmares were gone. I felt some satisfaction. I did not walk on the fire though, but I did cross the ocean and had climbed the mountains to meet him. My dream was fulfilled. One desire had fulfilled which had given hope to more desires. This new life had shown me a new designation which led me to new hope, desires, and dreams. I felt like the happiest woman on the earth.
However, the great God has another destination for me. God wants something else from me. Whatever God does there is always a reason behind that. So, my loved one who claimed to be my protector, he left me one day alone in the middle of billion people fighting myself. He has taken away my smile and personality after killing my soul. All confidence and courage are gone. My rebellion mind has become sad. My loved one/soul husband once who did not want to see tears in my eyes has left me crying. He has given me tears back but also took my eyesight away. The courage has gone but fear is left in my mind. My life has changed significantly. Once he had claimed to be my everything, but he took my last relationship away from me. Now I like talking to strangers via emails and text messages because I would never see or meet them in my life. He has left me wondering in the world with many unanswered questions. I feel alone even I sit the around many people. I have become very emotional but has lost some specific feelings. I am a changed person today. I do not feel comfortable in my own body. My soul has rotten and has become so stiff. I have become a robot who ask only specific questions while at work. My innocent soul was replaced by a machine.
I depend on the chemicals which try to help me a little bit, but it becomes impossible when something hit me suddenly. Then nonstop tears start running from my eyes which don’t help me to hide the condition of my heart. I don’t know when I have a decent conversation with somebody. He hunts me. He has become nightmares of my life. His memories hurt me while I am awake. I am not looking for anybody’s sympathy or empathy. I do not like being a pity. I am trying my best, but nothing helps. I have refused to get help from them whom I already know. The strangers could not help me because they don’t know me. They don’t know what I want. Actually, I don’t know myself what I really want now. I have attempted four times to end my misery but never succeeded. I don’t feel harming myself anymore because I am already hurting too much. What else will be worse now? I have already lost the quality of my life. After reading the article of Coach Muller, it makes me think what really God wants from me. What God has decided the new destination of my life? How it could be possible for me to completing my destination without my real personality.