My World Ends Here

End of Humanity. Digital Image. Idesign.art. https://paulagouveia.pt/en/painting-paula-gouveia-mural-humanity/

This is a human nature trusting somebody easily. Some of us trust someone blindly. We close our internal eyes completely because we don’t want to see which we do not like to be seen. This is our biggest mistake, which we should not let it happen and should be very cautious. However, the human is an Err, and of course, our desires, hopes, and dreams always become a barrier, so we fail to realize it. The blind trust could become dangerous than any other weapon. It could destroy a human’s life completely when trust broke. The human becomes helpless when his or her trust broke. The human becomes psychologically traumatized which it leads to making more mistakes. People get betrayed in the business, finance, work, or the politics, but they don’t hurt much. However, but it becomes an end of the world when trust is broken in our love life. We become so emotionally down when a person who we have trusted blindly, had broken our feeling, trust, and faith.

How many people become psychologically weak and end up committing suicide. This psychological injury influence everybody but teens are more vulnerable. It may lead to the crime. Sometimes we don’t get the right help at a right time. In the lack of right support and guidance, the person with broken trust could break completely. This story is dedicated to a woman who was once successful in her carrier and she was a jovial, but she lost everything due to her blind trust in a man she loved. Today she is standing in the middle of the road. She fails to take a further step. She may use some guidance from some geniuses. She is confused should she forgive him or take an act of vengeance. In the next paragraph, Sara’s story in her own words.

Sara said, “I do have some social phobia, so I always scared to share my feeling with anybody including my friends and family. I used to think if I talk about what happened in my life, it would be insult to myself or my people. I always tried to protect those people who did hurt me. I tried to hide it from everybody because I did not want to insult the people who I love and care. I never knew why I was protecting them. My other weakness was I tried to get the help from those people who actually put me in that situation. So, the circle of breaking trust, was continued until now. The people who broke my trust and feeling, already knew that I would not talk or take any action, so they did not hesitate to hurt me again. This was all my fault because I allowed those people to abuse me or my feeling. I never had taught them a lesson, or I never socially exposed those people. The main reason was not exposing my abuser because I was in so much love. Secondly, I was afraid to get my love insulted publicly because I did love him from the bottom of my heart. I trusted that person more than a God. It was my firm belief this person would not do any harm to me. I am responsible because I did allow him to do it. It was my blind trust in him and his love. I will highly be advised to everybody please do not let anybody abuse your feeling or break your heart. Come forward and fight back which I did not do it. Otherwise you will end up where I am standing now. Teach those bastered that we are not weak. We could fight back. Please don’t harm yourself by committing suicide. I will highly request all of you guys, turn your weakness into a strong weapon. We already got damage to our self but help to protect others not to become a victim.

I am Sara who was born in the country side of developing country very close to Himalayas. I am talking about 20 years ago when there was no advanced technology. We used to have only one telephone in the entire village to communicate with the rest of the world. People were so innocent and simple. They did not know the politics of this society. The people of town were innocent, honest, and hard worker. Sometime, Little argument used to among the people, but the chief of village used to handle all situation.  In the other words, nobody had seen the court or police station. I was trained by my father how to survive. He also taught me about honesty, faith, trust, hard work, and of course humanity. My father had made a mistake not to teach me how to survive in this selfish society. I was 16 years old when I was shipped to the Western country with a fake identification otherwise, my immigration was legal.  The reason to changing my identity was to prove, “I am adult and able to consent my marriage”. The marriage did not work at all because my husband was highly educated person from a high-profile family, but he was a monster and alcoholic. I had become a victim of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. I was ready to commit suicide when I found out being pregnant with my first child which had given me a hope, desire, and happiness to live. Even his abuse behavior was continued but I was afraid to tell anybody for the sake of my child. His abusive words still ring in my ears once a while. I could not run away because I was in the foreign country and hardly could speak English. I did tolerate that abuse for seven years for the sake of my kids. My second child was a year old that time when God had taken away my abuser forever.

A17 years of my life had fled. I did struggle but I succeeded.  I was full of confidence and courage, and I had a hope and desire. The 17 years journey was not easy. A single mother, not speaking a single world of English, do not know how to put the gas or buy the grocery. But I learned it quickly. While raising my children, I had succeeded my journey very well which included my carrier and raising the children. This journey was not very easy because there were a lot of turmoil. It was very easy to fight with others, but it had become harder when I had to fight with my own principle or my morality. I was the victim of physical, emotional, and financial abuse. I remember those day when he and his brother verbally abused me, and made me to sit in the snow in my slipper and summer jacket.  No this was not the end of my misery or end of my word. I had become widow at age of 26.

After his death, I did not talk to anybody. I did not tell anybody. I quietly left that town and settle down with my young children, but I did not give up. Although I had become emotionless. I never got chance for grieving because I was helping my children to grieve. Time do not wait for anybody. Time do not help to heal but it allows to enough time to adopt or accept the reality. Being a traditional woman, I kept everybody in the dark including myself which was my biggest mistake. Somewhere inside of me was screaming why you lied to protect this man who abused you. My answer was always same, “I am not a God and so I am going to decide about anybody’s karma”. I never told my kids about his brutality until now. I just shut both my mind and brain and was continued to stroll my life.

Kids were grown up and they already have started with their lives. I felt alone. I felt I should have somebody in my life who I could share everything. I met somebody, his name was Ali. He was in a law enforcement and did held a high rank position. I thought he was the man I was waiting all those years. I shared everything with him. It was a long-distance relationship, but it was going very well. I have trusted that man. There was nothing hidden between us. I fell in love with him so deeply. I was so emotionally involved with him. He had shown me his caring and loving behavior. I had done which he told me to do it. I felt God had given me a gift. I had start forgetting my past. New desires, dreams, and hopes had started to come in my mind. I already have crossed my 40’s. But I appreciated the God that he had paid me back in the lieu of my past in the form of Ali. At least, I received my happiness. I was totally depending on Ali. I did share with him everything what I did wrong or right. What I ate or drink? The geographically we were so far away but our souls were so close to each other. Many years has been elapsed. We had visited each other frequently.

Human’s face has two sides just like a picture, in which one is always hidden. However, this hidden face is a real face which come out once a while, but it brings only destruction. So, Ali’s other face came out after many years of our relationship. I was surprised to see how that man had changed in 2 days. Where were all promises gone? Was this a same person?   The only different was from my marriage, Ali had not physical or verbally abused me. However, it was an emotional abuse. He refused to take my phone calls. he did not respond to my emails. He knew I was crying helplessly. I ran to see him across the ocean where he kept me in his sweat prison for 3 days. He knew how emotionally I was involved with him. I used to think Ali would never leave me. I thought he would fight for me. However, he had chosen to take side of liars. I refused to lie to save his ass. I had chosen a reality and honesty which was not in favor for his professional and personal life. I felt so dejected and rejected. I felt my feelings were raped again. I was so much in love with him. I was feeling so embarrassed to share with anybody because I did not want anybody would raise the question on my soul love. However, it had started to take toll on my mental health. I had a chosen a risky behavior because I wished to be ended my life, so it could the end of my misery and ripping out soul. I had attempted thrice to end my life. I thought my world was end with his betrayal.

Now, I take full responsible for both his or my actions. I was one who had allowed myself to make him my weakness. I was the one who trusted him blindly. I was the one who had chosen honesty, reality, and truth. However, the relationship does not have an any value without trust and love. My heart has been shattered. I am confused like a hell. My world ends here. My soul is pining with the pain. Sometimes, I feel ripping my heart out. I do not blame anybody. My world ends here because I really do not know who I should trust. My faith is shattered just like my soul. If anybody tries to show some sympathy and empathy, there is million question raise in my mind and It make me think what this person wants from me. I am mentally stronger now. I do not feel harming myself. However, I have lost my trust and faith in the humanity. So, How I should share this world with another human without comprising the principle of life such as honesty, truth, and not being a selfish. I am stuck right there. You can not help somebody when you are indeed of help yourself.

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